Junior y Chino Because we love America

Expectations… How could you not have any!!

Anyone see a little irony in that title?

Well, we've said from the beginning that we wanted this blog to be a forum for anyone to voice their opinion politics and, well, really anything that furthers the cause of protecting our first amendment right, by any association possible. Today, I have decided to write about something totally not politically inclined, but for which I have the right to speak about freely... for now

I have recently read a lot of literature about relationships, expectations in relationships, their dynamics and how they change throughout the course of the same...

This has lead to some careful analysis so as not to fall into the same trap! I'd like to share with you, my thoughts on why it is very important that partners in a relationship recognize the profound impact and it's circular effects, that expectations can have in a relationship. I've read and heard from many a "love" doctor, that it is bad for couples to have expectations of one another. I've even talked to my wife about it and at first we agreed that it was ridiculous to think that a wife would have no expectations of her husband and vice versa. Later though, I started to do some serious self-analysis and try to break down this argument. My attention was piqued because again, I had heard it from many relationship experts, but also in a two-week church service series where a husband and wife expounded on the differences between "expectations" and "dreams, hopes, goals, etc).

As I thought more about it and contemplated different scenarios and the challenges that each and every one of those expectations brought about I came up with the following introspective write up...

A man truly loves and appreciates who is his wife is as a person, and in his life. He realizes that recently, he has been sending her mixed messages about how he feels after several years of marriage and deterioration of their relationship despite the deep love they feel for each other. He expresses his whole-hearted desire to rekindle the special "something" that made the fall in love with each other in the first place, only to shatter the hope of the wife by telling the wife that "they are trying to change things that cannot be changed" and "divorce could be an option because is they don't have harmony as married people, they could possibly have it with others who are more similar, and they themselves could grow closer together because the emotion and neediness that come along with marriage would no longer be a factor". She has resigned herself to despair because she realizes that there is no point in trying because he must just not love her anymore. She thinks this, because he constantly disappoints her by doing things that she is against or finds repulsive or that she has told him not to do because only bad people do those things.
He, however, had actually not given up and has tried so hard to measure up as a man, inasmuch as his wife's convictions, morals, and highly regarded axioms were concerned. This unrecognized effort has lead him to despair as well and thus he knows he loves her and tells her so, but his actions are not congruent with words. Moreover, because he is trying as hard as he can to become a "better" man, he begins to realize that he is doing the opposite of what he should... in a sense, he is trying to force a square peg into a round hole. So he begins to postulate what he has learned, in an effort to compel his wife to join him a journey toward self-awareness and understanding how important it is to draw a line in the sand, forget about who has worked harder in the relationship, who did and didn't measure up, judging... negatively by pointing out shortcomings or too positively by putting the other on a pedestal, and TALKING!!
This may sounds very rudimentary but what I mean is, get to know each other on another level. Don't be afraid to tell each other the truth about who you are, what you like to do when you're with that person, and when you are alone, etc. The more honest you can be about what YOU like, the more you and your partner can formulate a list of hopes, dreams, etc. But what is paramount here, is that by doing this, you avoid THE TRAP! Read on and see what I mean...
I will now take you back to our couple. Husband has had an opportunity to reflect on everything that has taken place so far and says the following...

...Bottom line is that I don't need a piece of paper saying that we are married to want to change our lives for the better. See, the reason I said that divorce doesn't scare me is not because I was already thinking about leaving you. It is because some of those things that I read and some that I have thought of myself are that I love you for you. I do the things I do for YOU, not because you are my wife. Along those lines, I can see what the fear is behind divorce. For some, it is the fear of having failed, for others it's how it's going to look, for others it's how the children are going to be impacted and for others still, it is because you feel like you are losing someone. What I believe the reality of it to be, is that, marriage is a state of being, whereby the parties involved are signing a promise (or vows), which give rise to expectations. These expectations (as many people have postulated) are what cause the discussions, which turn into disagreements, which turn into fights, which turn into animosity and resentment. I am with you in that there should be "some" expectations, but those expectations should be derived through communication and consensus and they should not be above and beyond the expectations you would have of anyone within the human scope. What I mean is, human beings have a modicum of civility and proper communication and behavior, which they are expected to abide by within their jurisdiction and/or country and/or culture and/or religion. There are certain actions that are universally considered taboos, like killing people or maybe not being intimate with our parents...I'm not certain that is universally recognized but you get the picture. I honestly believe that this is what relationship experts mean when they say that we need to treat each other as best friends or at the very least like co-workers.
Beyond expectations, axioms and social mores that further the human cause, yes, one could say that there may be a minimal level of spousal expectations, but if you really think about it, those SHOULD be contemplated and set as a couple, rather than one expecting the other to change or adapt to align with that person's acceptable thresholds.

So, with that said, does this sound within the realm of reason to you? I am not trying to get a "yes" from you. In fact, you can consider that a rhetorical question. I just would love it if you could accept my theory, if only as a suggestion rather than a policy I am trying to implement and by default, disregard your point of view. What I meant the other day, by saying that I always start at zero with you, was not meant to insult you or convictions. It was more of a general statement that I feel explains the transformation in dynamic that takes place within almost any couple. In human life leading up to marriage, both the husband and the wife have been imbued with a set of beliefs, mores, cultural traits, spiritual beliefs, convictions, etc. Then, one day, they get married and those attributes are brought into the relationships and sometimes, into the new living arrangements. Almost immediately, there are conflicts, but they are dispelled as idiosyncrasies or nuances of a new marriage so beyond a brief altercation here and there, they are not really addressed. One or both can feel a little stronger about those arguments but will not redress the issues. Later, the same issues come up and we feel that the other has had some time to "get used to our style" and "should know better" so those things become bigger things and so on and on and on... before you know it, both feel the other has failed to perform to their expected roles within the relationship.

If, on the other hand, as the relationship matures and before and even after the couple is married (as long as it happens at some point), both agree that it is in the best interest of the relationship and not of themselves, to "inform" the other of their "hopes and dreams and things that they love to do and things they don't like to do", and there is genuine love the other will pick up on these and formulate a proactive approach to implement these hopes and desires, rather than feeling like they have been given (or not even that sometimes) a list of things they can and cannot do. The latter is a bad idea all together because the list is never comprehensive. That is to say, you may not have included something in your list, but have the expectation in your mind nonetheless.
I would love for us to re-write our story with the end in mind. We are going to make it and I think that we should start by telling each other what we love, what we want to do before we die and what we want to accomplish. With that we can talk about how we're going to help each other achieve those goals or why they may give rise to conflict, but at least it will be an honest conversation and we will not be setting ourselves up for disappointment before we even start...

Talk people!! Talk! If you think this is pathetic, TALK! If you want me to be your shrink, TALK!! You want your wife to chill out... TALK!! You think your husband doesn't care about you, or love you anymore? TALK!!

And with that, I bid thee farewell... Happy lovin' everyone! It's a beautiful thing... Like our country!!